The Booking Drama
First, you need a PhD in SPA menus to figure out what to book. The options sounded like a foreign language: hot stone massage, CBD facial, cryotherapy chamber. I panicked and picked the priciest package — because if you’re gonna cry in public, might as well do it with gold-infused face cream.

Arrival Anxiety
Walking in felt like entering a spaceship for rich people. The air smelled like a rainforest after a yoga retreat. A woman in linen scrubs handed me a robe softer than my childhood blankie. Then came the first test: changing into said robe without flashing anyone. Pro tip: robes have more layers than an onion.

The Treatment Terrors
My massage therapist had hands of steel and a voice like ASMR. She asked about pressure preferences; I said “medium.” Five minutes in, I realized “medium” here meant “bruise your soul while whispering affirmations.” Next up: the facial. The esthetician analyzed my pores under a light that could expose government secrets. “Honey, your skin is dehydrated,” she said, as I mentally apologized to my water bottle.

The Snack Situation
Luxury SPAs feed you, but it’s all cucumber water and kale chips. I craved pizza but settled for herbal tea that tasted like dirt with a lemon wedge.

The Final Boss: Steam Room
I thought steam rooms were relaxing. Nope. It’s sitting in a sauna while strangers silently judge your sweat levels. I lasted three minutes before fleeing to the shower, where I accidentally used body scrub as shampoo.

The Aftermath
Leaving the SPA, I felt like a newborn giraffe: wobbly but weirdly refreshed. My skin glowed, my muscles were jelly, and my ego was slightly bruised. Would I go again? Maybe. But next time, I’m smuggling snacks and requesting “beginner mode.”

The Real Takeaway
Turns out luxury SPAs are equal parts magic and mild trauma. If you’re a newbie like me, embrace the chaos. Laugh at the fancy jargon, take selfies in the robe, and remember: even the cucumber water crowd probably wants pizza too.

Your Turn
What’s your wildest SPA story? Drop it below — let’s swap trauma.